Best Christmas Jokes Contest - December 16th-25th 2018

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELF WEARING EARMUFFS?

A: WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, HE CAN'T HEAR YOU. LOL

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store. Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S." The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys." Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

SAY YOUR LEFT LEG IS THANKSGIVING, AND YOUR RIGHT LEG IS CHRISTMAS

CAN I VISIT BETWEEN THE HOLIDAYS?

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!

TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.

FOR CHRISTMAS, I GAVE MY KID A BB GUN.

HE GAVE ME A SWEATER WITH A BULL'S-EYE ON THE BACK.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Christmas wish


It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking.

Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled.

She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

DEAR SANTA,
I'VE BEEN GOOD ALL YEAR.
MOST OF THE TIME.
ONCE IN A WHILE.
NEVER MIND.
1'LL BUY MY OWN STUFF!

What is a skunk’s favourite Christmas song? Jingle smells!

"Mama may I have a dog for Christmas?."
"No,we eat turkey just like every year!"

RUSSIAN WEATHER

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. "I think it's raining." says the man. "No, it's snowing." replies the woman. "How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man,.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining." Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.