August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed 01 Aug 2015

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 4:44 pm
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ROFLMAOOOOO good ones ladies!!! LOL

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

gjr1961
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 6:20 pm
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April Fools

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney : Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Bower50

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 7:47 pm
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 8:15 pm
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OMG ROFLMAOOO Good one you two!!!

Bathtub Anxieties

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 8:48 pm
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Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

gjr1961
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 2:51 am
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Inheritance

When John found out he was going to a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:16 am
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roflmaooooo good ones Shirls and Gloria!!!

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

mlj774
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 11:34 am
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Q...WHAT DID THE PENIS SAY TO THE CONDOM ?

A..." COVER ME , I'M GOING IN "

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 1:52 pm
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LOL

An Arkansas Delivery

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

gjr1961
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 3:22 pm
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Fingers

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogie?

win4maw
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 3:38 pm
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Q: Why are baseball players so cool?
A: They always have their fans around.

mlj774
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 4:03 pm
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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said , "It's dark in here isn't it ? "
The other replied , " I don't know; I can't see."

gjr1961
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 4:26 pm
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I know this isn't very nice to men, but I couldn't resist....

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 5:21 pm
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LOL Great Jokes!!!

Why I didn't get the job ...

I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But there's another candidate for the job. Very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two".

"Really? So which one of us are you going to hire?" I asked.

"Well," the VP responded, "the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job. Be here at 9am sharp tomorrow morning".

So the next morning I go to the VP's office. The other candidate is there - a very charismatic guy, and obviously really smart. So we get sat down at two desks, side by side, and are given the test.

A little while later, the VP calls me back into his office. "Listen... we've scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But we're going to have to go with the other guy."

"What?" I asked, shocked. "But we got the same question wrong!"

"Yes," the VP answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."

Shirlsplay
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 7:26 pm
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Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!

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