August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed 01 Aug 2015

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:21 am -

LMAOOOOO Keep 'em coming kids!!!

A lady walks into a pet store

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."

The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."

The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.

A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

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gjr1961

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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:07 pm -

Words of Wisdom

~ People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

~ Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

~ If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

~ The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

~ To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

~ Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

~ Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

~ Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

~ After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Bower50

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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:01 pm -

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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linnie16

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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:03 pm -

“My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password
to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password,
the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect"
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Shirlsplay

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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:17 pm -

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
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gjr1961

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:09 am -

Gifts from God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"
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mlj774

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:59 am -

Q...WHY DID THE CONDOM FLY ACROSS THE ROOM

A...IT WAS PISSED OFF

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:00 am -

LOLOLOLOL Great Jokes!!! Keep 'em coming!!!

Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."

This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.

He exclaims, "R is for rats -- big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:01 am -

Oh I placed a new link to jokes in the first post.

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gjr1961

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:59 am -

Anniversary Gift

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.
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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 6:10 am -

LOL good one!!!

911

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven

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Shirlsplay

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:27 pm -

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:55 pm -

LOL

Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

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gjr1961

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:58 pm -

Misunderstanding

Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
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mlj774

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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:28 pm -

A MAN KILLS A DEER AND TAKES IT HOME TO COOK FOR DINNER.
BOTH HE AND HIS WIFE DECIDE NOT TO TELL THE KIDS WHAT KIND OF MEAT IT IS, BUT WOULD GIVE THEM A CLUE AND LET THEM GUESS.
THE DAD SAID ; " WELL IT'S WHAT MOMMY CALLS ME SOMETIMES "
THE LITTLE GIRL SCREAMED TO HER BROTHER , " DON'T EAT IT.
IT'S AN ASSHOLE! "

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