August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed

LMAOOOOO Great Jokes!!!

What do you call it when Zeus gets gonorrhea?

Thunderclap

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

A MAN COMES HOME FROM WORK , AND FINDS HIS WIFE SLIDING DOWN
THE BANISTER. " WHAT ARE YOU DOING " HE ASK.
SHE ANSWERS , " WARMING UP YOUR DINNER ".

Oh my Little Johnnie LMAOOOO


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

Q...WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE BASKETBALL COURT ?

A...HE HEARD THE REF WAS BLOWING FOWL'S

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: What did the baby digital clock say to his mother?
A: "Look ma -- no hands!"

Two Old Pensioners
Date of Joke: Friday, 27th June, 2003


Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't electrified."

The Genie

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it.

The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks."

The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere.

The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS.

The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO Great Jokes kids!!!

When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad .. he also wants to be smart

that was stupid but too tired at the moe LOL

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

Q...WHY IS 77 BETTER THAN 69 ?

A...YOU GET EIGHT MORE!

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!

To which Bessie replies, "Should a bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."