August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed 01 Aug 2015

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:22 pm
-

Q... WHAT DID ONE SAGGY BOOB SAY TO THE OTHER SAGGY BOOB ?

A...IF WE DON'T GET SOME SUPPORT , PEOPLE WILL THINK WE'ER NUTS!

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:38 pm
-

Top 10 one-liners

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

Shirlsplay
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 27953
Location: Reno,Nevada

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:51 pm
-

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Bower50

CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 03 Jun 2006
Posts: 6058
Location: Canada

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 8:56 pm
-

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees. They grow up so fast.

linnie16
Silver Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 12 Jul 2006
Posts: 525
Location: Canada

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:07 pm
-

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Bower50

CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 03 Jun 2006
Posts: 6058
Location: Canada

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:11 pm
-

The Sheriff pulls up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replies.

"That's why I am dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine for dumping garbage.'

Shirlsplay
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 27953
Location: Reno,Nevada

2000

Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:25 pm
-

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:07 am
-

Twenty Nine Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Shirlsplay
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 27953
Location: Reno,Nevada

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:15 am
-

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.

Bower50

CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 03 Jun 2006
Posts: 6058
Location: Canada

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 1:54 pm
-

A group of Alabama friends go deer hunting and pair off for the day. That night, one of the hunters returns alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others ask.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replies.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?'

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3403
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 4:31 pm
-

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 6:37 pm
-

Q... WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOODPECKER WITH NO BEAK ?

A.. A HEADBANGER!

Shirlsplay
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 27953
Location: Reno,Nevada

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:54 pm
-

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 8:20 pm
-

Q... WHAT IS A RABBIT'S FAVORITE MUSIC ?

A... HIP - HOP

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:36 pm
-

How I Got to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Goto page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 Next

Jump to:

Topic		Author	Forum	Replies
Similar Topics
	August 2015 All Things August Contest CLOSED Wed Sep 02, 2015 6:00 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	118
	August, 2015 LUU Contest CLOSED Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:13 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	22
	August, 2015, Featured Game Contest CLOSED Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:58 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	21
	August, 2015 Bingo Marathon Contest CLOSED Tue Sep 01, 2015 8:09 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	112
	August, 2015 Total Game Points Contest CLOSED Thu Sep 03, 2015 4:49 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	18
	August, 2015 Rhyme Your Numbers CLOSED Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:50 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	71
	November 2015 LUU Contest CLOSED Wed Dec 09, 2015 10:20 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	23
	Dec 2015, Featured Game Contest CLOSED Sun Jan 03, 2016 4:24 am	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	28
	Dec 2015 Bingo Marathon Contest CLOSED Tue Dec 29, 2015 11:17 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	95
	Nov 2015, Featured Game Contest CLOSED Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:41 pm	OrangeCrush	Past Contests / Winners	35