1.
A Furniture Dealer A furniture dealer from Auburn ...
... decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Auburn.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
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A small boy was playing out in his dad's farm one day ..
... when he found something resembling a slug, but with bright orange spots on its back. Placing it on a leaf, he hurried inside and asked his mum if he could keep it. She was horrified by this strange thing, but his dad said it would be Ok if the boy fed and watered it each day. Into a matchbox it went, with a wet lettuce leaf for food and water. The next morning the leaf had gone, so the boy pulled some clover from the field and watched it eat - surprisingly quickly. At tea that night he fed it his broccoli, which he hated, and within two days the slug had grown quite a bit.
"What are you going to call it?" asked his father, "Pets have to have names."
"Gosh, I don't know," relied the boy. "Wilbur?"
"Nah, too common. Look, son, it's a rare creature, think of a rare name."
But the only name he could think of was 'Rarey', which somehow stuck. Within a month it was in a shoe box, within two months it was in a milk crate, and was eating everything in sight. The boy's father went to various experts with it, but no one identified it, although several wanted to keep it. His mother was adamant that it had to go, they didn't know how dangerous it was, and it would soon be eating them as well.
After tantrums and tears, the boy had to agree it was a problem, so his father said 'look, son, we'll take it in the tiptruck up the mountain, a long way away, and leave it in the forest. OK?"
So that's where they went - but they couldn't coax it out of the back when they had gone miles and miles into the mountains. It even seemed to be threatening them, and its teeth were by now long and very sharp. In the end they drove to a very deep ravine, where the man backed the truckup to the edge and began to tilt the tray back so that it would slide out.
As it began to slide, however, the boy began to cry and plead with his father to stop. "Don't let him drop down there," he screamed, pointing to the ravine.
"Why ever not?" asked his father
"Because it's a long way to tip a
rarey!" wailed the boy.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him.
So the family decided that a nursing for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."
"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."
Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague ...
... and as a young man aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, resulting in the loss of his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a military chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in trapping scores of miners deep in the earth. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer comfort and last rites to those too severely injured to move. While underground another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe (but rare) condition known as purpura. This condition is the result of extensive underground time and exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners. For his heroism and
selfless service to others, the church elevated him to Cardinal.
With the passing of Pope John Paul II, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a new Pope from their ranks. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man; church leaders agree he will never ascend to the Papacy.
After all, no one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
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Did You Hear about the Bridge Player Who ...
Always bids no trumps? It saves sending his suits to the cleaners.
Wouldn't let his partner play a hand? He knew that it is only dummies who put all their cards on the table.
Never looks at the last card? Number thirteen has to be unlucky.
Was also an astrologer? Would not bid hearts if Venus was rising.
Wouldn't sit west? He was an Indian - and that's where the cowboys are.
Was a politician? Always lies about his points, his suits and the distribution. But he promises a level playing field.
Worked for the CIA? His bids become void after 10 seconds.
Was a press secretary? Always had excuses for his partner.
Practices magic? Calls tricks 'rabbits', turns tops into bottoms while you watch.
Reneges nearly every hand? He's standing for the senate next election.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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A couple decide to go to their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologies, this is my fault' says the waiter ... 'I've brought you the Peking Duck.
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A new scam is being pulled mainly on older men ...
What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday
Bubba's Animal Sounds ...
Grandma is reading a children's animal book to little Bubba. "This is a pig. What sound does a piggy make?"
"Oink ! Oink!" said little Bubba.
"This is a cow and what sound does a cow make?"
"Moo! Moo!" said little Bubba.
"This is a ducky and what sound does a ducky make?"
"AFLAC! AFLAC!"
A lawyer and a farmer were walking in a field. The farmer had on high boots and the lawyer had on a pair of $500 shoes.
Soon the lawyer steps both feet into what looks like a cow pie. He exclaims, "What is this?"
The farmer replies, "I'm not sure, but it looks to me like you're melting."
I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter" she replied. "I'm bisacksual."
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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A man goes to see his doctor ...
... The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."
"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
Submitted by Jim, West Lafayette, IN
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Maxine: That Grand Old Girl!
Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." ****
Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Medical Specialties ...
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on building a new hospital in Washington County...
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it but the Neurologist thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled,"Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeon said, "That puts a whole new face on the matter!"
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn't give a crepe!
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item ... Walmart wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J GalloWinery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be too inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Chateau Ghetto
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .
1. Nasti Spumante
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Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:04 pm -
