Im Bored So Heres Some Jokes

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several

days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they

get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks

to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall

is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.

They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container

of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."

So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second

Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.

They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the

rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.

They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.

Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they

left something for us to eat"

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:

"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed

by an unknown group of people


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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp

buzzes into the wife's private part. Naturally enough, she panics. The

husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull

up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to

the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to

remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to

try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing

as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming

and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't

rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if

the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the

wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears

the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to

plug the wife.

Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The

husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown

the little bastard!"


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There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the

problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been

dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having

no luck scoring a woman.

How about coming back to my place for a root? I'll give you 20=

bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they

head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how

tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a

virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and says,

"Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have

given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going=

to get an erection, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"



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FROGS AND PONDS

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that

he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him

that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,

"is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.

But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."

So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis

is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can

you help me shorten it?"

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and

then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you

have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. You will see a frog sitting

on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog,

will you marry me?

Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five

inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called

out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at

20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was

another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

"Fifteen inches is still a monster" he reflected for a moment.

"Just a little less would be ideal." he thought. Grinning, he looked across

the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head in disgust, "How

many times do I have to tell you? "NO!"......"NO!"......and for the last

time "NO!"


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A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the

floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, Jesus is watching you.

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for

valuables. He again heard, Jesus is watching you.

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, Did you say that?

The parrot admitted that he had. I'm just trying to warn you, is all

The burglar said, Warn me, huh? Who are you? Whats your name?

Moses Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The bird answered, I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a

Rottweiler Jesus.



a lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car

trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a

farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room

for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for

forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the

night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the

door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.

There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean

animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes

late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out

but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered

sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and

complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the

farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and

there stood the pig and the cow.

ooops i got a warning message that said they werent appropriate as they contain language that isn't allowed and will be removed....sorry lol...guess i wont post the rest now lmao

LMAO!

lol niceeee

HI,


OMG Broxi these are sooooo funny


sisters

Thanks for the ones you were allowed to post.

Hope you are bored more often LOL