Best Christmas Jokes Contest - December 16th-25th 2018

Dear Crushers,

Thank you to NonoNanette for suggesting this best Christmas Jokes contest.

This contest runs from 16th December until 25th December 2018



Simply post your best Christmas themed jokes and soon after 25th December our special judge will pick the 2 best ones and they will win $5 for 500 CCpoints each.

- You may enter more than once but please do not repeat previous entries and only re-enter after at least 2 members have made entries!
- From all eligible entries, there will be 2 x $5 for 500 CCpoints prizes drawn.
- This draw will take place soon after 25th December 2018 (all entries made up to the point of making the draw will be considered).

STANDARD CONTESTS AND PRIZES TERMS APPLY

On Christmas Eve, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual journey. But this year there were many problems. Four of the elder elves became ill and the younger more in-experienced elves did not produce the toys as quickly, so Santa started to worry that he would not be ready in time. Then Mrs. Claus tells him that her mother is visiting. This makes Santa Claus stressed even more so. When he begins to gather the reindeer for his sleigh, he discovers that three of them are ready to give birth and two have jumped over the fence. The elves begin loading the sleigh and one of the boards of the sled breaks off and the bag of toys falls to the ground dispersing the toys all around. It goes without saying that Santa was not exactly in his best state of mind and slightly triggered. Then the doorbell rings and Santa goes to the door and expects another problem. He opens the door and there is a little angel with a big Christmas tree brought to cheer up Santa. The angel says in a loving tone: "Merry Christmas Santa, is it not a beautiful day today? I have a big beautiful tree for you, is it not a beautiful tree, where do you want me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Q...WHY DID SANTA GO TO JAIL?

A...HE SLEIGHED AN ELF!

1) Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.

3) Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

2) Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.

Jolly Ho Ho

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, MY FAMILY WAS SO POOR THAT AT CHRISTMAS WE EXCHANGED GLANCES.

LOL, I CAN SEE THAT IN MY MIND, EVERYBODY JUST SETTING AROUND, LOOKING AT EACH OTHER! HAHAHA

Santa Pick Up Lines
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. want to see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. want to join the "Mile High" club?

It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the young man who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.
The fellow pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

Christmas Morning
On Christmas morning, a police on horseback had stop for a while.
A kid was beside him and the police said: "Did Santa give you that bicycle."
The kid said yes. Then the policeman said, "Next time tell Santa to put a taillight on it."
He gave the kid a ticket fined $20. Before the police left, the kid asked:
"Did Santa give you the horse?" The police, joking, said yes. Then the kid said,
"Next time, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

What is a librarian’s favourite Christmas song? Silent Night

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

MOE: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
JOE: I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
MOE: WHAT DID YOU GIVE HIM LAST YEAR?
JOE: THE MEASLES.

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be'
Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing $150
'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for $100. 'Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.'
Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny $15 bottle and offered it to him.
Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

What do you call an old snowman? Water.