October 2013 Redneck Contest..winners Announced

Mama June

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

The town where I currently live...Norway, Iowa! LOL!

Redneck music
1. Rednecks like funny songs

Anything (well almost) by the great Ray Stevens.

Anything by Rodney Carington ( he appeals to men mostly).

Anything that makes fun of rednecks in a warm manner.

2. Rednecks like extremely patriotic songs

"God Bless The USA" by Lee Greenwood

"America" by The Charlie Daniels Band

"A Country Boy Can Survive" by Hank Williams Jr.

3. Rednecks adore Southern Rock!

Lynyrd Skynyrd

The Allman Brothers

4. Rednecks like Classic Rock!

Led Zeppelin

Eagles

Anything by Ted Nugent

Anything by ZZ Top

Foghat....especially their hit from the 70's "Slow Ride"!

5. Rednecks like their Country Music!

Classic Country from artists like Waylon, Conway Twitty, Willie...and Hank Sr and Jr!

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Tickle .. from tickle tackles...run off from moonshiners

Dear Ma And Pa

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats workin for old man Mitch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are takin. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed til 'bout 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you got to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. Ain't no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin. Men gots to shave but it's not so bad, as they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmins like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kinda weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it ain't my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is 'bout as far as to the mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awfly flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags somethin awful.

The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.

I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lay there all comfortable and hit it. You ain't even got to load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellers get into this sweet setup and come stampedin in.

Your lovin daughter,
Gail

All your tupperware is old butter containers.

Camouflaged....anything!!! Your truck, your clothes, your cell phone, your furniture....Mama June's wedding dress! HeeHee!

Playing in the mud

Bubba's Buttholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

You might be a Redneck if ...

A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.

Rich Redneck

couch on your front lawn