November, 2016 Posting Contest 01 Nov 2016

NonoNanette
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:59 pm
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Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 4:48 pm
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Windy Day

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"

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gjr1961
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Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 10:56 pm
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Think First

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

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dbonkers
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2016 1:50 am
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

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gjr1961
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2016 4:24 am
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Mommy, How Old Are You?

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

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mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 25 Sep 2004
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2016 3:11 pm
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Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?
A: Let's get together and make some cents.

Q: What is Alimony ?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Q: How did the Banker die?
A: He Cashed Out!

When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

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gjr1961
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2016 5:31 am
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Bumper Stickers

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

*Hang up and drive.

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.

*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

*Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

*I'm an imbecile and I vote

*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

*Grow your own dope, plant a man

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mlj774
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2016 7:49 pm
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Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q:Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A:Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2016 9:13 pm
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Three Aussies on a Train

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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mlj774
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 3:39 am
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GRANDMA
ONE DAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS WALKING TO HER GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE. SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, BUT ALL SHE HEARS IS SCREAMS.
SO SHE THROWS OPEN THE DOOR AND SEES THE BIG BAD WOLF AND HER
GRANDMOTHER IN THE BED. SHE EXCLAIMS, " GRANDMA , ARE YOU ALRIGHT? I THOUGHT THE BIG BAD WOLF WAS EATING YOU! "
THE GRANDMOTHER REPLIES, " HE WAS, UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP."

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:01 pm
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Whatever it Takes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

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mlj774
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Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2016 3:59 pm
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Q: WHAT DOES THE SIGN ON AN OUT- OF BUSINESS BROTHEL SAY?
A: BEAT IT , WE'RE CLOSED.

Q: WHY DOES SANTA HAVE SUCH A BIG SACK?
A: HE ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR.

Q: WHAT DID THE BANANA SAY TO THE VIBRATOR?
A: WHY ARE YOU SHAKING? SHE'S GONNA EAT ME!

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:22 pm
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Medical Test Mix Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

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mlj774
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Location: USA

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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:15 pm
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Infidelity
A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said "Which one of you slept with my wife."
and a guy in the back stands up and says "You don't have enough bullets.

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife?
A: Get better aim!

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 4:37 pm
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Jack or Barb

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

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