November, 2016 Posting Contest 01 Nov 2016

Shirlsplay
CC Best Buddy

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 27955
Location: Reno,Nevada

2000

Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 6:23 pm
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George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!"

DolphsLdy
Half Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 29 Jan 2007
Posts: 368
Location: New Zealand

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 3:56 am
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I hope this is acceptable

Best said aloud

This guy owns a horse farm, and gets a call from a friend who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over." The midget arrives and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?' The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, can I thee her eyeth?" The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses's eyes. "OK, what about the eerth?" Now the owner is getting pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. "OK, finally, can I thee her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that...Can I thee her wun awownd?"

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 2:46 pm
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Q: WHAT DID ONE SAGGY TIT SAY TO THE OTHER SAGGY TIT ?

A: IF WE DON'T GET SOME SUPPORT SOON, PEOPLE WILL THINK WE'RE NUTS

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 3:43 pm
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Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

win4maw
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Joined: 26 Jan 2004
Posts: 12518
Location: Pittsburgh, PA, USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:25 pm
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Thin People Don't
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:03 pm
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Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3403
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2016 10:01 pm
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I apologize if this offends anyone, but it was too funny to pass up.

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2016 10:40 pm
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Credit Card Fun

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

dbonkers
Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 25 Dec 2012
Posts: 1950
Location: Hawaii

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 6:43 am
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A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear."

SO SO CUTE!!!

webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3403
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 9:08 am
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This is the saddest. most terrifying and offensive joke in the world:
Trump was elected president.....we're all doomed.
For the first time in my 69 years, I'm ashamed to be an American.

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 4:22 pm
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Irishman on a Desert Island

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 5:33 pm
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Rat Experiment

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"

"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.

"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 5:36 pm
-

« webdeb » wrote:

This is the saddest. most terrifying and offensive joke in the world:
Trump was elected president.....we're all doomed.
For the first time in my 69 years, I'm ashamed to be an American.

I know there are those that disagree, but you expressed my feelings exactly.

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 6:21 pm
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Bumper Stickers

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a**.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ...now speak English

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 7:40 pm
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of bananas.
The nun posted a sign on the banana tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the bananas."

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