November, 2016 Posting Contest 01 Nov 2016

dlg74
Half Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 11 Jul 2015
Posts: 224
Location: Arizona, USA

2000

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:51 pm
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_________________

dbonkers
Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Dec 2012
Posts: 1950
Location: Hawaii

2000

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:01 pm
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How do you get a kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

_________________

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 11:04 pm
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Bob's Annual Review:

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines

_________________

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:01 pm
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A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

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win4maw
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Jan 2004
Posts: 12518
Location: Pittsburgh, PA, USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:19 pm
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Gotta watch those Texas Women.

Two Texan policemen call the station on the radio>
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here.
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean>"
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No Sir. The floor is still wet."

_________________

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 9:48 pm
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All Night Duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

_________________

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:59 pm
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Modern Proverbs

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.

_________________

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 4:01 pm
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5-Year old's New Brother

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

_________________

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 10:05 pm
-

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

_________________

NonoNanette
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13719
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 4:59 pm
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The Frying Pan

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse phoned."

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anneandalan
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 07 Aug 2007
Posts: 3180
Location: SCOTTSDALE

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:59 pm
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

_________________

mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5964
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:29 pm
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FIVE REASONS YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK :

1. IF, YOU OWN A HOMEMADE FUR COAT.

2. IF, YOU BURN YOUR YARD RATHER MOW IT!

3. IF, BIRDS ARE ATTRACTED TO YOUR BEARD.

4. IF, YOU THINK A CHAIN SAW IS A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.

5. IF, YOUR MOTHER HAS "AMMO" ON HER CHRISTMAS LIST.

_________________

gjr1961
CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 12:51 am
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Entrance Exam

When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school..

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CATLICKER
Gold Dollar Crusher

Gender:

Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 1448
Location: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, USA

2000

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 6:39 am
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I was in a busy restaurant yesterday, when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, and a few cheek rattling bursts, I was feeling much better. It was at that moment, taking a sip of my coffee, that I noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Suddenly....... I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

_________________

Sports Betting AG Casino Poker and Sports

OrangeCrush

CC Best Buddy

Gender:

Joined: 20 Dec 2003
Posts: 20147
Location: In heaven

2000

Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 10:26 am
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Hello Crushers!!!

Thank you for your patience!!!

This has been a great contest!!! Had me laughing all month long!!! Thank you all!!!

Everyone that made a post had their names placed into my tupperware bowl and my lovely assistant Barry drew out the winning names.

The winners of this contest are:

mlj774

win4maw

Shirlsplay

NonoNanette

Congratulations Maggie, Maw, Shirls and Nono!!!

Happy Gaming Always!

OrangeCrush

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