November, 2016 Posting Contest 01 Nov 2016

OrangeCrush

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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:23 am
November, 2016 Posting Contest

Hello Crushers!!!

One of my favorite things to do is laugh and I would love it if you'd play along and post some jokes for us all to laugh at.

Please try to keep them fairly clean and please do not take any offense to the jokes, we're just trying to have fun.

I'll grab a few links for you to choose some jokes from then just copy and paste them here ok?

I'll start this off with:

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" LOL (I am a Blonde lol)

You may enter this contest as many times as you would like to however, please do not post twice in a row UNLESS you want too. LOL

This contest will end November 30th, 2016 and everyone that makes a post will have their name placed into a random drawing where we will give away 4 x $5 prizes.

RULES

1. All members making a post will be placed into a random drawing where we will be giving away 4 x $5 prizes for 500 cc points. Feel free to make more than 1 post if you'd like, however please allow someone to post in between your posts please. You must have 500 cc points in order to redeem for cash, if you don't have 500 cc points, you will be awarded 500 cc points to redeem the next contest you win.

2. You will need to advise us which payment method you prefer.

3. This contest will end November 30th, 2016 and the winners will be announced.

Good Luck Crushers!!!

Happy Gaming Always!

OrangeCrush

*Crushers we would like to get more people to join CC. The more members, the more money generated, the more money we can pay out for our contests.

So if you like this contest please either share it on Facebook or Twitter or both please.

This is also a very good way to get extra clicks for the Link Us Up Contest too!!!

Here's How to Link up with Facebook:

On the left hand side of this page, towards top left hand corner, there is a "like" button for Facebook..all you have to do is click the "like" button and it will direct you to log into Facebook and voila you are done..You're "liked post" will be on your Facebook Timeline..

Here's How to Tweet:

On the left hand side of page, towards top left hand corner there is a "like" button for Twitter (right below Facebook lol) .. all you have to do is click the "like" button and it will direct you to log into Twitter and you are done.

Thank you Crushers!!!

Last edited by OrangeCrush on Fri Dec 09, 2016 10:27 am; edited 2 times in total

NonoNanette
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 10:59 am
-

Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crepe off anybody!"

Bower50

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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:22 pm
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The amazing golf ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

win4maw
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Joined: 26 Jan 2004
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA, USA

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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:18 pm
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While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

~Charlie Chuckster

queenmap
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Joined: 06 Dec 2013
Posts: 603

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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:29 pm
-

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Shirlsplay
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 4:09 pm
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A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

gjr1961
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Posts: 10428
Location: Minnesota

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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 4:41 pm
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The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3403
Location: Houston, Texas

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:59 am
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Games for us old guys:

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

gjr1961
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Location: Minnesota

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 12:43 pm
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Laws
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

Bower50

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Location: Canada

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 1:30 pm
-

My first golf lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 4:48 pm
-

A Sack Full of Chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
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Location: Minnesota

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 5:06 pm
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Goodbye Grampa
-------------------------

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 5:14 pm
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Too Tired to Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Bower50

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Location: Canada

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 6:36 pm
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You might be a redneck if..

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Shirlsplay
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Location: Reno,Nevada

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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 7:49 pm
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I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

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