May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

So I danced like no one was watching. I'm currently out on bond and my hearing is next week..

George Falls in Love

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. "I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

This is a long list but some of them are pretty funny.......


Newpaper Headlines...

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout
Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!...... So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen.... Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?

I love the Headlines gjr

Did you know that if you are walking down the street and a Bear is following you....You have a Bear (bare) Behind ?

OLD BUTCH

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he
could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the 1st day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" And God agreed.

On the 2nd day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" And God agreed.

On the 3rd day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?" And God agreed.

On the 4th day, God created man and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you 20 years."

But the man said "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me the 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," God said. "You asked for it."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our families. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Negativity



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going
to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"

BLESS ME FATHER....IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks "Is that you little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the loose woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan then?"

"Please Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire you for that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for 3 months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers "What'd you get?"

"3 months vacation and 5 good leads!"

ROFLMAOOOOOO these jokes are GREAT, thank you!!!

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."

The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"

He responds, "well, nobody else did."

Jimmy's Big Night ...

So Jimmy and his GF start talking and decide tonights the big night. Tonight he loses his virginity!

So Jimmy heads to the local pharmacy to get his first condom. To look cool and get it over with asap he walks in and asks for the magnum XL's. The pharmacist gives him a funny look seeing as jimmy was clearly a crack baby and not a very big guy. So after a few minutes of help the pharmacist finds him something that will actually work and sends him on his way.

That night jimmy shows up to his GF's house for dinner. Dinner is put on the table and immediately Jimmy asks is he can say grace.

After an uncomfortably long prayer worshiping the father, the son, the holy ghost and every other religious figure he can think of he sits down and starts to eat quietly.

His GF whispers to him "I didn't know you were so religious!"
Jimmy replies "i didn't know your dad was a pharmacist..."

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...

does that mean that one enjoys it?

LOL