May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

gjr1961
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Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 1:27 pm
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A Really Bad Day

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

_________________

char1984
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Posts: 2390
Location: right here

2000

Posted: Mon May 19, 2014 12:11 am
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One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummaged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that Rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

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char1984
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Posts: 2390
Location: right here

2000

Posted: Mon May 19, 2014 11:17 pm
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 12:47 am
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.” the boy replied!

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HeffeLamon
Half Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 06 Jan 2013
Posts: 280

2000

Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 10:46 am
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I just found out Forest Gumps password - "1forest1

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HeffeLamon
Half Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 06 Jan 2013
Posts: 280

2000

Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 10:54 am
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants, The bartender asks "hey doesnt that hurt?" The pirate growls,"Aye, its drivin me testicals"

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 11:17 am
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One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, “Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I’ll give it to you.”

The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Disneyland!”

“I’ll personally hand it to you,” said Bush.

“I’d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,” the second boy said.

“I’ll buy them myself and give them to you,” said Bush.

“And I’d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.

“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”

“No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.”

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13722
Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 6:51 pm
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HARVARD TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years old can't do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Wed May 21, 2014 3:17 pm
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A bird story

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13722
Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Wed May 21, 2014 6:03 pm
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CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKE 1040EZ

If Recipes were like tax forms....

* Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

* Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

* Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

* Line 4.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

* Line 5a.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

* Line 6.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

* Line 7.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

* Line 8.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.

Line 8a.
Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

* Line 9.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

* Line 10.
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

* Line 11.
Add vanilla.

* Line 12.
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

* Line 13.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

* Line 14.
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

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yorkidorki
Silver Dollar Crusher

Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Posts: 998

2000

Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 1:08 am
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A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, ''Pick me up. '

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

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OrangeCrush

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Joined: 20 Dec 2003
Posts: 20168
Location: In heaven

2000

Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 10:26 am
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roflmaoooo great jokes!!!

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady, "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then asked the old lady "How many peaches were in the tin?"

"Six" she replied.

"Ok I'm going to give you one day in prison for each peach."

All of a sudden, the wife's husband stood up and objected the judge's ruling.

"Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas".

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 4:50 pm
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emeraldharley
Half Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 24 Oct 2004
Posts: 490
Location: So, Calif.

2000

Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 4:55 pm
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Anniversary Present

A man comes home after spending most of the night
at the bar with his buddies, forgetting that it was his
25th Anniversary. His wife Livid & about to whoop him
with the cast iron skillet she had in her hand yelled...
How could you? I tell you what you can make things
square by making sure that tomorrow I have something
in that driveway that goes from 0 to 55 in less than 6 sec.
Well the next morning she was standing at the kitchen
sink doing dishes and noticed a beautifully wrapped
package in the driveway. She turned off the water,
dried her hands and walked out to investigate. There
was a tag on it that said: Sorry this is late and sorry
I forgot, but here is exactly what you asked for. I hope
it makes up for last night. Puzzled, she begins to open
it...and then anger started to rise and her face turned
beat red... She pulled it out of the box...and she held
in her hands A BATHROOM SCALE...with a note that
read: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Just what you asked for it goes from 0 - 55 in less than 6 secs.

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webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3405
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 8:01 pm
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Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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