May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

ROFLMAOOOOOO

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob (brought to you by Barry lol)

[b]Celebrating Leaving His Wife....[/b]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

roflmaoooo I didn't see that one coming LOL

You have some explaining to do ...

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

Right thing at a right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!

NEW YORK TRFFIC STOP

Seems a New Yorker makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a Bronx police officer. Guy hands the lawman his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the policeman says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the officer says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR-15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not one damn thing!"

Email to his wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Date of Joke: Thursday, 17th July, 2003

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"

Talking time clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? How’s it work?”

“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

LOLOLOL Great Jokes!!!

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'. The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!' The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

Alcohol warning


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants..

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

A BASEBALL STORY

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game. So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitch-hikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in. Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.

Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitch-hikes his way back over the border to Mexico.

When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was eet, the baseball game?"

And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, `Jose, can you see?' "

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much it’s going to cost us."

They walked up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes ~ I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself,"the genie said.

"OK" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it is the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world" she said.

"Consider it done." the genie said.

"And what is your wish, genie?" the husband said, "Well, since I have not had love with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I would not mind."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35" she said.

"Really? And he still believes in genies !?!?!"