May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

HeffeLamon
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 12:01 am
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Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't f*ck her."

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Fri May 09, 2014 3:21 pm
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A Cat in Heaven

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St. Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: "Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St. Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

"Well, Cat...did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say....that "Meals-on-Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
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Posted: Fri May 09, 2014 4:57 pm
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[size=18]Storks...

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"[/size]

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mlj774
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5965
Location: USA

2000

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:05 pm
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HOW DO YOU MAKE , TOILET PAPER DANCE ?
PUT A LITTLE BOOGIE IN IT... HA.HA.HA

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gjr1961
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2000

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:30 pm
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The Empire State Building...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: ''You know, Superman, you are a real jerk when you're drunk.''

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 9:23 pm
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Too Tired To Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

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OrangeCrush

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Joined: 20 Dec 2003
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 12:38 am
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LMAOOOOO Great Jokes!!!

So, there's this monkey smoking a joint in a tree in the jungle with his little lizard buddy. The lizard says, "Ooh wee! This is some good poo! My mouth is dry is a hell. Imma run down to the pond and get a drink."

The lizard climbs down the tree, scurries over to the pond and starts drinking as fast as he can. While he's drinking, a crocodile pops his head up out of the pond. He sees the lizard gulping down water and asks, "Whoa, man. Why you drinking that water so fast?" "Well," the lizard explains, "I was up in that tree smoking a joint with my monkey friend and it gave me some killer cotton-mouth."

The croc thinks for a second and says, "So, this monkey, is he cool? You think he'd let me smoke too?" "Oh yeah, sure!" says the lizard, "He's a real cool guy. I'm sure he wouldn't care."

So, the crocodile climbs up the tree and says to the monkey, "Hey, pass that poo my way." The stoned monkey stares at him for several seconds before saying, "Jesus man, how much water did you drink?!"

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 6:14 pm
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Have you heard about the - shipment that was stolen?

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

lol that's pretty bad huh? lol

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gjr1961
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 6:35 pm
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Why I Can't Come to Work Today...

1) If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2) When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3) I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4) My stigmata's acting up.

5) I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6)I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7) I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9) Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10) I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11) The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

12) My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

13) I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 7:44 pm
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LOL

What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home?

Mother's Day

LMAOOOOO

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OrangeCrush

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2000

Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 7:32 am
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs playing in the leaves?

Russell hehee

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CATLICKER
Gold Dollar Crusher

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Location: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, USA

2000

Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 10:46 am
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What do you call two guys with no arms or legs in a window ?

Kurt n' Rod

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gjr1961
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 2:58 pm
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[b]So Drunk He Can't Stand Up...[/b]

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 9:36 pm
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ROFLMAOOOOOO

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob (brought to you by Barry lol)

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gjr1961
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2014 1:01 am
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[b]Celebrating Leaving His Wife....[/b]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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