May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

NonoNanette
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 2:45 pm
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Midnight Phone Call

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
- Hello!
- At what time does the store open?
- At ten o'clock sir.

At two in the morning, the phone rings again:
- HELLO!
- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir

Again, at four, the phone rings:
- H!E!L!L!O!
- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 3:59 pm
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The Christmas Gift
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”

“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

2000

Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 4:25 pm
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ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR YOU

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

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starfire
Silver Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 04 Mar 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Manitoba, Canada

2000

Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 8:24 pm
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The Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 9:01 pm
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ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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Bower50

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Location: Canada

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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 9:19 pm
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Final Exam Failure

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.

The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

2000

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 1:54 pm
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Silent wife

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night.”

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 4:12 pm
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PHOTO ASSIGNMENT

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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anneandalan
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 07 Aug 2007
Posts: 3175
Location: SCOTTSDALE

2000

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 4:22 pm
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where do snowman keep their money? In the snowbank. hahaha

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gjr1961
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Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 5:43 pm
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Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."

"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

I’ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"

Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

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HeffeLamon
Half Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 06 Jan 2013
Posts: 280

2000

Posted: Mon May 05, 2014 12:49 am
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb ? -
I dont know either , they wouldn't let me watch

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gjr1961
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Posted: Mon May 05, 2014 1:02 am
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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (supposedly by Mr. Welch himself): "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Then others added these comments:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT . But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft uprgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say are you sure? before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.

13. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

14. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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OrangeCrush

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Joined: 20 Dec 2003
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2014 2:17 am
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LOL Great Jokes!!!

A family checks into a hotel.

The father goes to the front desk & says "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you pervert."

lol

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gjr1961
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Joined: 31 Aug 2006
Posts: 10434
Location: Minnesota

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Posted: Wed May 07, 2014 3:28 pm
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Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13722
Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Wed May 07, 2014 6:23 pm
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DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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