May, 2014 Post A Joke Contest Winners Announced

Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu May 01, 2014 10:52 pm
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What did the big fire cracker say to the little fire cracker ??

My pop is bigger than your pop.

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starfire
Silver Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 04 Mar 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Manitoba, Canada

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 12:51 am
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Abstinence

Previous Next
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 6:44 am
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ROFLMAOOOOO these jokes are great, keep 'em coming please

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

She kept throwing out all the W's LOL

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sisters
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Joined: 12 Jul 2004
Posts: 15247
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 10:19 am
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CATLICKER
Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 1448
Location: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, USA

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 10:35 am
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“A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which gender is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She lifts her dress, drops her knickers, and yells, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 11:04 am
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LMAOOOOO

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

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pevangel
Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 1885
Location: Florida

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 11:04 am
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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NonoNanette
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 13722
Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 2:49 pm
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Church Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

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webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3405
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 4:18 pm
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Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line

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NonoNanette
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Location: Upstate New York, USA

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Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 5:27 pm
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YANKEE TEST

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.

We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. -- --

How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

O.K. -- all you smarties answer up!

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yorkidorki
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Joined: 03 Mar 2012
Posts: 998

2000

Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 8:15 pm
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A husband asks his wife:
- If I die, will you remarry?
- Of course no, darling, I will stay with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?
- No, I will also stay with your sister.

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri May 02, 2014 9:28 pm
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LOLOLOLOLOL

A guys car breaks down in the desert.

After several hours of sitting in searing heat he gives up and desperately begins walking leaving his car, his most precious possession.

Several hours pass. He's burnt, tired and most of all, thirsty. His throat aches for a cold drink. On the distant horizon he spies a car nearing, kicking up dust as it heads towards him.

He waves the car down and cries "Thank god, I thought I was a goner. Please can I have some water?" The old man behind the wheel says "I'm sorry, I don't have any. Can't help. " Deflated the wandering man cries "Please how about a lift to town?" "No way! You could be a psycho?" "Can you not help me at all?" "Well, I sell ties, do you want to buy a tie?" "What? No! Are you mental? I need help!"

In an angry huff the old man speeds off in his car and the wanderer keeps walking. On the horizon a small building appears. The walker runs towards it; gaining speed as he makes out the letters 'bar' on the side. Reaching the door, he goes to walk in thankfully, when a burly bouncer stops him.

"Sorry mate. Can't let you in without a tie."

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 3:39 am
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Ok I'm posting 2 in a row LOL

A Man Gets Pulled Over ... at the end of a bridge for speeding. The officer says, "son do you know how fast you were going?"

The guy tells him, "yes officer, I'm sorry it's just that my job is so stressful that I have to rush home each day to see my family and relieve my stress from the day."

The cop asks, "what kind of job is so stressful that you need to speed home this fast?"

The guy responds, "well sir, I'm a rectum stretcher, I stretch rectum all day long. I start with one finger then work another in there. Then one hand then the other. I stretch and stretch and I usually end up with a 6-foot asshole."

The cop asks, "what do you do with a 6-foot asshole?"

The guy says, "I give him a radar gun and put him on the end of a bridge!"

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webdeb
150 Gold Dollar Crusher

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Joined: 16 Dec 2003
Posts: 3405
Location: Houston, Texas

2000

Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 6:22 am
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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 6:37 am
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Oh my LMAOOOOO

Little Johnny had a bad day ... He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.

"Johnny, I saw you just did and you're in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don't get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!"

Just then, the two of them saw Johnny's dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,

"Shall you tell him, or shall I?"

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