July, 2013, Posting Contest

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Old Lady Quiver

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."

"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

What type of computer sings?


A Dell

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes, No, Yes, No , ''

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Retirement Bonus


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.



The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.



The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.



The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.



But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain’s penis and began to work back.



“My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”



The Captain calmly replied “Vietnam.”

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to." The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!.

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Animal Football


The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.” He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0. Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.” The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”