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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:21 am im bored so heres some jokes
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several
days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they
get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks
to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall
is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container
of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.
They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the
rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.
They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they
left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed
by an unknown group of people
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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp
buzzes into the wife's private part. Naturally enough, she panics. The
husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull
up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to
the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to
remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to
try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing
as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming
and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't
rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if
the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the
wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears
the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to
plug the wife.
Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The
husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown
the little bastard!"
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There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the
problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been
dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having
no luck scoring a woman.
How about coming back to my place for a root? I'll give you 20=
bucks!"
She says, "I'm willing, let's go".
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they
head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how
tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a
virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and says,
"Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have
given you 50 bucks".
Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going=
to get an erection, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"
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FROGS AND PONDS
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that
he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him
that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,
"is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.
But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis
is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can
you help me shorten it?"
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and
then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you
have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. You will see a frog sitting
on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog,
will you marry me?
Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five
inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called
out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at
20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was
another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
"Fifteen inches is still a monster" he reflected for a moment.
"Just a little less would be ideal." he thought. Grinning, he looked across
the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head in disgust, "How
many times do I have to tell you? "NO!"......"NO!"......and for the last
time "NO!"
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A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the
floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, Jesus is watching you.
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for
valuables. He again heard, Jesus is watching you.
This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, Did you say that?
The parrot admitted that he had. I'm just trying to warn you, is all
The burglar said, Warn me, huh? Who are you? Whats your name?
Moses Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird answered, I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.
a lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room
for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the
night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the
door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes
late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out
but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered
sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the
farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and
there stood the pig and the cow.
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