February, 2013, Posting Contest Winners Announced

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?


A: A garbage truck.

What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

What is the difference between a priest and a gay man ?
The way they say ahhhh-men.

LMAOOOOO These Are Great!!! Keep 'em coming!!!

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry

A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around corners so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.'

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

The Blonde and the Mirror

Once there was a magical mirror.
When you told the truth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.

One day three college girls went to the mirror.

The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one."
Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.

The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.

Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

LOL got this in an email from rita and liked it so thought id post it, surorised rita understood the scots language in it , How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got ta be fukin' dead"


Kinda brings a wee tear ta yir eye...

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

Q: Where do you find a one legged dog?


A: Where you left it.