Roflmaoooo Contest Closed Winners Announced

Hello Crushers!

Last month when we had the Treasure Hunt contest we had a few "old" contests surface that we had a LOT of fun with.

Nono Nanette found this old contest and we decided to do it again.

Here's a blast from the past ... July 2005:

Hello Crushers! In staff meeting monday we all decided we were going to make July our "Official Joke Month". (Actually we have all worked together for such a long time that, we've already heard all of our jokes)lol So Crushers, we need some new jokes, some new material pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee.

sounds like fun I could use a good laugh

OK since I dug this one up let me start it out:

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"


~Nono

SOUNDS LIKE FUN TO ME LOL........


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.

Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

LOL Nono,


Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

An old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevies varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing
A jazz chord to say I ruv you

ROFLMAO

OK CRUSHERS LAST ONE until SOMEONE ELSE POSTS HEEHEE

I LIKE THIS ONE THO SO WILL POST IT.

A teacher asks her class one day, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?

Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,

None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

Then little Ralphy says, Now I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,
one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?


The teacher, blushing madly, replied, Well, I suppose it would be the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

To which Little Ralphy replied,

The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your thinking.

LMAO

Try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

These are not really jokes, but I thought they were funny "food for thought."

Have You Ever Wondered...


Why does the sun lighten our hair,
but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara
with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes????
Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

These three old ladies and their dogs

were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation

when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies,

stood right in front of them

and opened his trench coat.



Gertrude immediately had a stroke.


Then Maude also had a stroke.




But Tillie, being older and more feeble,

couldn't reach that far

Works even if the power is out!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &
Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an
hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

'Cooter'


sisters

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...


sisters

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

sisters

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. the police man approaches the
driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence
please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink
driving."

The policeman is shocked.
"I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole
this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I
killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate.

"You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see" replied the man.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" asked the
man.

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner" replied the officer.

"Murdered the owner?" asked the man in disbelief.

The officer insists, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled.

"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence,
stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies....

"The lying bastard probably said I was speeding too!"