Best Christmas Jokes Contest - December 16th-25th 20

mlj774
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 1:32 pm
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AS I WAS PAYING THE CASHIER FOR MY CHRISTMAS TREE, HE ASKED, "ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THAT UP YOURSELF?"

I SAID, "NO, YOU SICK PERVERT, I'M PUTTING IT UP IN THE LIVING ROOM."

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 5:14 pm
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Saying a Prayer for his Christmas meal

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

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kaska321
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 5:42 pm
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

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win4maw
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:32 pm
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Which Limp Bizkit song do elves listen to while building toys? He did it all for the cookies!

Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:35 pm
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Q. Whatâ€™s St. Nicholasâ€™s favorite measurement in the metric system? A. The Santameter!

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mlj774
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 5:54 am
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AS A LITTLE GIRL CLIMBED ONTO SANTA'S LAP, SANTA ASKED THE USUAL,
"AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS"
THE CHILD STARED AT HIM OPEN MOUTHED AND HORRIFIED FOR A MINUTE,
THEN GASPED: "DIDN'T YOU GET MY E-MAIL?"

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dbonkers
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:19 am
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Q: Why was Santaâ€™s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had very low elf esteem.

Jolly Ho Ho

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 8:30 am
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman? Because he is so cool!

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:51 pm
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A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but - wanting to make sure each bulb worked - she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."

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mlj774
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Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:29 pm
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Christmas Turkey
It was Christmas Eve at the meat counter, and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys,
in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation, she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.

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kaska321
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 3:45 am
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Question : What do you call the chocolate bars the Grinch stole?
Answer : Hot chocolate.

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 6:11 am
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Santa's Privacy Policy

At Santa's Workshop, your privacy is important to us. What follows is an explanation of how we collect and safeguard your personal information.

> Why Do We Need This Information? Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of who is Naughty and who is Nice and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice.

> What Information Do We Collect? We obtain information from the unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information, such as which of their siblings are doodyheads. The letters also provide another important piece of informationâ€”fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List

> What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry.

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dbonkers
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 8:15 am
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Q: Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A: Because itâ€™s in Decembrrrrrr

HO HO HO!

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 8:53 am
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Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it 'soots' him!

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 5:23 pm
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Christmas present. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That 'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

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Best Christmas Jokes Contest - December 16th-25th 2018