August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed 01 Aug 2015

Shirlsplay
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:56 pm
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Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

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gjr1961
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:12 am
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Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:44 am
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Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller

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webdeb
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:10 am
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Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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mlj774
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 12:04 pm
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Q..WHAT DO YOU CALL A CRATE FULL OF DUCKS ?

A.. A BOX OF QUACKERS!

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gjr1961
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 4:46 pm
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Muscular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:48 pm
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Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

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mlj774
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:22 pm
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Q... WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP WITH NO LEG'S

A... A CLOUD!

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:39 pm
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Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

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gjr1961
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 1:01 am
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PHILOSOPHY

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 2:59 am
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Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

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OrangeCrush

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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:58 am
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OMG ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOO You guys are the BEST!!!

Thank you for all of your jokes

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat ...

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.

The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.

The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."

Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

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mlj774
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 5:12 pm
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I KEEP TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT...BUT IT KEEPS FIND ME!

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NonoNanette
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:08 pm
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I Was eating breakfast with my little granddaughter and asked her "What day is tomorrow?"
She quickly answers "President's Day!"
I asked her "What does that mean?" expecting her to talk about Obama, Clinton, etc.
She replied "President's Day is when Obama comes out of the White House, sees his shadow and we get another year of bull sh**

It hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your mouth

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Shirlsplay
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:03 pm
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry

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